This had me laughing all day long

The Profanisaurus: English dictionary of profane language.
My favourite entries:
- barse n. The perineum; that little bit between your balls and your arse.
- biffon n. That part of the female anatomy between the bottom and the vagina, which the man's balls biff on during intercourse.
- Billy Mill roundabout n. The climactic point of masturbation. From the A1058 Coast Road in Newcastle. e.g. "My mum walked in just as I was coming up to the Billy Mill roundabout".
- Dutch oven n. The area beneath the bedclothes after one's partner has just played the dawn chorus on his botty bugle.
- ghost shit n. A stool or dump of which there is no trace when you stand up and turn round to admire it.
- pirate of men's pants euph. Swashbuckling term for your jolly Roger.
- polish the lighthouse v. male To masturbate in the bath.
- tackleshack n. Underpants.

Is it just me but aren't a lot of entries to do with females rather on the nasty side:
- bucket fanny n. A spacious vagina. Also Tardis twat.
- fizzing at the bung hole euph. To denote sexual arousal in women.
- hamburger shot n. A rear view in a pornographic magazine in which the beef curtains (qv) are visible.

In our never ending series "Boy, Am I Glad I'm Not Straight"

The photo caption at QueerClick (not a worksafe site) read: Retired Hooters.

Man drought

From The Bay of Plenty [of Women] Times:

Women in their 30s are suffering from a phenomenon sweeping the nation - a lack of 30-something men.
The 2005 Population Growth report by financial services firm KPMG found that in 2004, women aged in their 30s outnumbered men in the same age bracket by 23,800. The drought is thought to be the result of more men going overseas.
The drought was worst for the 32,000 New Zealand women aged 32 in 2004. There were only 29,000 men in this age group - a shortfall of 3000 men.

Maybe only losers (have to) stay in New Zealand because it makes economic sense to spend your best earning years abroad. Or the ones that do stay are gay and of no interest to the local gals. I haven't heard of a shortage of queer men!
Well, all you hot-blooded foreign males, there are a few ladies here pining for your attention. And if you don't like them, my mates and I can always help you out.

Ferry fare increase

From August 1 Fullers Ferries is increasing fares by double current consumer price inflation. A monthly pass will now cost $260, up from $245. This without any noticeable increase in services: still no all night boats on weekends, still the decrepit Jet Raider, still waste disposal into the Gulf. It's a prime example of monopoly price gouging: there is no competition (Pacific Ferries were soon dispensed with), no alternative land route for islanders, and (crucially for a monopoly to be able to price its goods unfettered) no public subsidy.
In comparison, yesterday, Stagecoach had the audacity to ask the ARTA for a subsidy for the Half Moon Bay run because passenger fares didn't cover costs. Now Fullers in its pamphlet, spinning the price increases, says a "fall in patronage" and an "increase in fuel prices" make it inevitable to rack up fares. I wonder how that will increase patronage - any normal market based business would lower prices to increase demand. But then Fullers has always been exempt from the laws of capitalism. So much easier to soak the rich on Waiheke. (7,000 residents pay $8 million in rates)
There was a spontaneous petition doing the rounds on this morning's boats, but only a reigning in from above will do. But will I hold my breath?

A legitimate reason to start bombing Iran?

I'm not holding my breath that the international community will get behind any effort to attack Iran because of a couple of teenagers being hanged for being queer. It's not the first time - did I hear there have been 4,000 executions for homosexuality in Iran since 1979? - and looking at a barbaric penal code like that of the Islamic Republic it's no wonder. To protest: Iranian embassy in NZ website.
But I can't shake off the feeling that the likes of Brian Tamaki or any Christian fundamentalist would love a similar penal code established here too, so you won't hear much indignation from that quarter (let alone the White House - they're too busy trying to suppress any sodomy movies coming out of Abu Ghraib).
This is what I wrote to the embassy:

Dear Sir,
I wish to respectfully notify my outrage over the recent (and by all reports not uncommon) execution of two gay teenagers by your Government.
There is absolutely no reason, philosophically, culturally or socially, to justify the killing of people who happen to have expressed their love for each other. Would they have gotten a lighter sentence if they had murdered someone instead – or had organised a bombing of innocent bystanders?
It makes it very difficult for anyone to embrace multiculturalism or have respect for a political and legal system that has such utterly barbaric sentences for non-crimes, let alone have any respect for a religious belief that condones and sustains such system.
Yours sincerely,

There is a net petition on this issue here.
UPDATE: This is what I got back from the Iranian Embassy in reply to my letter:

Dear Hans,
I appreciate your concern, but according to our information, they have not been gay, but they have been rapists and had caused alot [sic] of hardship for the people of their town including the rape of a 13 year old boy. They were both over 18 years old and they were put on trial and as wished by the parents of the 13 year old raped boy, were found guilty and the verdict was announced and carried out according to the law of the country.

Never mind that both were executed for being gay rather than for rape.

Lazy Saturday

From DemVet:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question"

Homosexual panic defence

Is this a rerun of the McNee case? Rentboys thinking they can get away with killing queens because they feared they were going to be raped/have fingers inserted up their straight holes? Nicking their victims' cars seems to be a theme too.
In my book, using the "gay panic defence" should carry a stigma of being considered less than heterosexual (no straight man fears an old queen, surely!), and should add a few years to their sentences.
UPDATE: the little shit was found guilty of murder, as it should be. Hopefully he'll be sentenced to allow access to all areas in prison.

The condition(ing) of the male of the species

I hadn't bothered before but I eventually watched an "episode" of a reality TV show called Big Brother (Australian version), and it was the "uncut" version screened late at night, mainly to show "naughty" bits and appendages and hear some more "natural" conversations.
The show ponies, as ever, are the males prancing around in various states of undress, losing their towels, showing off their assets and finally whacking off because lasting 40 days without it really was impossible.
It all looks suspiciously contrived and I think the boys have had to audition nude as to allow the show producers to ensure no tiny meat was among the male inmates. Some even shaved their pubes, showing a caring touch for viewer delectation.
Apart from all that meat on parade, the "conversations" - especially the single sex ones - were interesting. On the topic of favourite sexual "possies" (the Australian language has its comprehension difficulties, so they abbreviate everything longer than two syllables, it means "positions"), the biggest blond one described his (I'll use some phonetic spelling when it conveys the meaning of the words better):

"I go for the good old 69, you know when you get your [deeck] sucked real good while her [vadzj] rubs on your face."

The others giggled.
The tasks the show producers require them to perform are too inane. I would recommend showing them "The Anatomy of Hell" film (see below), then require them to put lipstick on the asslips (of any gender) and drink the girls' tampon tea. That would be a better practical test of their heterosexuality than the mouthing-off version.
Pity some "issues" were left unexplored when the pube-less wonder drunkenly wanted to play with blond stud's [deeck] and was rebuffed with more hostility than was really necessary.
Obviously, some realities never get onto reality TV.

The Anatomy of Hell

I watched the movie with some trepidation, not that I knew anything specific about the film or its film maker Catherine Breillat, but the censor's DVD box sticker indicated "sexual themes with the use of menstrual blood". As film synopses go, Censor Bill could have been a bit more detailed and specific rather than trying to be so off-putting, but I decided to persist and watch the thing.
As a try-sexual at heart, I'm not averse trying out new things sexual and the story of a straight woman paying a gay guy to "explore" her sounded worth having a look at. As a gay guy, it would be unusual not to have been there myself - albeit unpaid! - and the idea of exploration has always appealed to me enormously. The film's premise is gloriously, pretentiously, French (I cannot imagine any other culture producing a movie like this, bar, perhaps, more humorously, the Italians, or, more gloomily, the Swedes):

"la discordance fondamentale entre sexes opposés et le dégoût suscité par le corps féminin".

It certainly deals with one of life's mysteries: what do straight guys see in women? They never seem to act as if they "like" women, considering the stereotypical portrayal in pornography or in casual banter between guys on any Big Brother episode.
Why are they disgusted by the "feminine body"? Are men and women fundamentally, sexually, socially, philosophically incompatible?
I've never had any particular illusions about the answer to those questions, but then I'm not straight, I'm not forced to seek answers to those questions or live with the consequences.
Rocco Siffredi (a real porn star credited in 281 porn films!) played his role as a gay man rather nicely as the active voyeur, but he showed a tad too much enthusiasm when it came to "performing". I wouldn't mind exploring him a bit more thoroughly, though.
And the menstrual blood as film prop and reason to alarm the censor? I had to close my eyes during the scene when the little chick was taken from its nest and bloodily squashed underfoot. Bill should have warned me about that!

UPDATE: Email from Chief Censor Bill Hastings:

Neither I nor the Classification Office was responsible for the reference to menstrual blood on the [R18] label. It was the Film and Literature Board of Review that put it there following an otherwise unsuccessful review brought by the Society for the Promotion of Community Standards to have the film banned after we had made it R18 with the simple note “Contains explicit sex scenes”.

What I probably won't be wearing this summer

From the promotional blurb:

"With black Cotton Lycra, The Micro Sport Pouch was designed for me! The Micro SP is designed for heavy duty action. I tried many styles of underwear and jockstraps looking for something to wear that would keep me from chafing when I bike and run. I could not find anything that worked well so I decided to create my own. The Micro SP stays in place with the use of two internal Lycra straps that are pulled tight then pulled out the metal hole on the top of the pouch. The straps then wrap around the outside base of the pouch and tie on top. The Micro SP is a second skin that prevents chafing during sport activities. I take long bike rides at the beach and use the Micro SP under my cycling shorts. After a long ride it’s great to slip off my shorts and tan in the world’s smallest suit."

A snip for US$21 at KoalaSwim. If only Tom had worn it before he fell off his bike!
It does look good for use under rugby shorts and it would definitely make an improvement on those ugly cycle-short type undergarments rugby players wear under their shorts (and unsightly stick out from under them) lest their thighs chafe. Daniel Carter said he goes commando on the field, apart from said shorts, but I think it would increase his appeal if he wore the Micro Sport Pouch instead. There was a nice pic in the local paper on the weekend with him showing off his undies (though the other boys looked a tad sheepish):

Tommeke!

Distaster strikes: Tom Boonen out of the Tour de France.

The Hitch

Christopher Hitchens looks at the London bombings (via Kearney):

We know very well what the "grievances" of the jihadists are.
The grievance of seeing unveiled women. The grievance of the existence, not of the State of Israel, but of the Jewish people. The grievance of the heresy of democracy, which impedes the imposition of sharia law. The grievance of a work of fiction written by an Indian living in London. The grievance of the existence of black African Muslim farmers, who won't abandon lands in Darfur. The grievance of the existence of homosexuals. The grievance of music, and of most representational art. The grievance of the existence of Hinduism. The grievance of East Timor's liberation from Indonesian rule. All of these have been proclaimed as a licence to kill infidels or apostates, or anyone who just gets in the way.
For a few moments yesterday, Londoners received a taste of what life is like for the people of Iraq and Afghanistan, whose Muslim faith does not protect them from slaughter at the hands of those who think they are not Muslim enough, or are the wrong Muslim.
It is a big mistake to believe this is an assault on "our" values or "our" way of life. It is, rather, an assault on all civilisation.

Yes, a part of the worldwide, old and never ending campaign against the Enlightenment. He forgot to add to their grievances the sight of him skulling a good single malt. And we could add the Christian and Jewish Taleban-like grievances against the secular state, Darwinism, co-ed schools, freedom of speech, reproductive rights for women, gay sex and uncircumcised penises.

How not to react

The flag is at half mast at our place with the sinking feeling that it won't be the last time. Some dicks tried, and succeeded in, getting onto the international news wires (I saw reports on BBC World and Flemish TV) by spray painting a few Auckland mosques. As if that will make any difference or commemorate those that died in the blasts. Scapegoating a minority for the fascist tactics some thugs use and claim to be fighting for is no better than blaming Jews for international capitalism or gay people for the spread of AIDS. It's too easy to do, it requires no brains and is completely counter-productive.
Defiance shown by today's Londoners and reliance on the law shown by today's Dutch (in the trial of Theo Van Gogh's murderer) are far more effective methods in defeating fascist terrorism. But if you think otherwise, you can always enlist.

We are all Londoners, we are all Madrilenos, we are all New Yorkers, we are all Baghdadi

"The next few days would probably be a good time to stay away from the TV. On top of the televised gore and the stunned faces of the survivors, we'll have to endure the canned Churchillian rhetoric of Messrs. Blair and Bush. Blitzes will be remembered; blood, sweat and tears promised, ultimate victory predicted. The babbling heads of cable news will babble even louder. Conservative con artists will figure the angles and work out the attack lines to use against the liberals -- whatever it takes to drown out the fact that, nearly four years after 9/11, Bin Ladin still lives and Al Qaeda is back in business. Mission unaccomplished."

Billmon

The Churchillian spirit was apparently alive and well among the citizenry (one American tourist called them "Londoneers") as many report going to the pub rather than trying to get home. All good and well, as long as you don't choose a gay pub.
And here's the full text (via TodayOnline) of London Mayor Ken Livingstone's speech in Singapore after the bombings:

Our thoughts are with those who have been injured.
Our thoughts and efforts of the administration at City Hall will be to care for them and to care for those who have lost their loved ones, and there has been loss of lives.
I want to thank the emergency services for the way they've responded.
Following the Al Qaeda attacks on Sept 11 in America, we've conducted a series of exercises in London in order to be prepared for such an attack.
One of those exercises, which was done by the government, my office and the emergency and security services, was based on the possibility of multiple explosions on the transport system during the rush hour.
And so the plan that followed from that exercise is being followed today — with remarkable efficiency and courage, and I praise those staff who are doing that.
I'd like to thank Londoners for the calm way they've responded to this cowardly attack. Do not travel. Take the advice of the police. Stay at home.
If you're not at home, wait until you hear the advice over the radio or television from the police on how to get home later today.
I have no doubt whatsoever that this is a terrorist attack. We did hope in the first few minutes after hearing the events on the underground that it might simply be a maintenance tragedy. That was not the case.
I have been able to stay in touch by the very excellent communications that were established for the eventuality that I might be out of the city at the time of the terrorist attack, and they have worked remarkably.
And I will continue to be in touch until I board the plane that takes me back to London in the next few hours. I want to say one thing specifically to the world today.
This was not a terrorist attack against the mighty and powerful, it was not aimed at presidents or prime ministers. It was aimed at ordinary, working-class Londoners, black and white, Muslim and Christian, Hindu and Jews, young and old; an indiscriminate attempt to slaughter, irrespective of any consideration for age, for castes, for religions, whatever.
That isn't an ideology, that isn't even a perverted faith. It is just an indiscriminate attempt at mass murder. We know what the objective is. They seek to divide Londoners. They seek to turn Londoners against each other.
I said yesterday to the International Olympic Committee, this city of London is the greatest in the world because everybody lives side by side in harmony. And Londoners will not be divided by this cowardly attack.
They will stand together in solidarity around those who have been injured and those who have been bereaved. That is why I am proud to be the mayor of that city.
Finally, I wish to speak through you, directly, to those who came to London today to take lives. I do know that you do not fear to give your own lives. That is why you are so dangerous. But I do know that you fear you may fail in your long-term objective to destroy our free society.
I can show you why you'll fail. In the days that follow, look at our airports, look at our seaports, and look at our railway stations. And even after your cowardly attacks, people from the rest of Britain, people from around the world will arrive in London to become Londoners and to fulfil their dreams and achieve their potential.
They choose to come to London, as so many have come before, because they come to be free, they come to live the life they choose, they come to be able to be themselves.
They flee you, because you tell them how they should live. They don't want that. And however many of us you kill, you will not stop their flight to our cities where freedom is strong and where people can live in harmony with one another.
Whatever you do, however many you kill, you will fail.

Churchill would have been proud of Red Ken.

London 2012

All you need to know to get to the 2012 London Games:

from London Underground blog

Poor athletes

Now they will have to take a packed lunch from Paris when they compete in London in 2012.

When the Lions tour is over

The ubiquitous "stand in black" supporters accessory could be recycled after the tour as the new sign for Auckland University squat toilets.

Fourth of July

Fourth of July essay from Billmon is essential reading:

"If I still support the war on terrorism, or hope that America finds a way out of the Iraq quagmire, or wish for a more successful U.S. foreign policy, it's not out of patriotism. I live in the United States, my family lives here, and we're not moving, at least not any time soon. That being the case, I'd rather not see it nuked, or hit with a dirty bomb, or anthrax or smallpox. I'd also rather not live in a complete police state, which is what we may get if any of those things happen. That's not patriotism -- just the instinct for self preservation.
But not loving America -- or rather, what America is fast becoming -- isn't the same as believing there are no worse things than America. Bin Ladin and the fanatics who follow him aren't evil because they're the enemies of America, they're evil because they're evil -- because they slaughter innocent people, promote religious hatred and would rather see the Islamic world impoverished and ignorant than freed from their medieval fantasies.
Opposing that also isn't patriotism -- just common human decency, and a (probably vain) hope for a better world than this shit pile we live in."

Good to see there are still some sane Americans around.

Stone age desert religion tries to throw the first stone

You really have to feel for those stone age religions trying to keep a foothold in a secular society and trying to keep any credibility in an age where stoning faggots and adulterers simply aren't cool anymore. The last time stoning (as a concept) was culturally cool and funny was in "Life of Brian" but I can remember the screams of outrage from would-be stoners who wanted the film banned, burned and buried.
Now Labour MP Ashraf Choudhary has been trying to square that particular circle by commenting that his sacred text called the Koran is correct in promoting stoning of said minorities but he wouldn't advocate it in New Zealand.
Why don't these "believers" just come out and call a stone a stone by publicly advocating what their beliefs dictates them rather than get themselves into contortions they can't get out of without being laughed at?
Of course, coming out for your beliefs might get you a slap on the wrist by the authorities but hiding behind wishy washy arguments is of no use to anyone. Either you are proud of your stone age traditions and beliefs and are willing to stand up for them, or you finally realise you are living in a secular society where you do as the locals do and join the modern world.

Not an advert

Tom Boonen would look better in yellow than in green but he'll have to peddle a bit faster over the next three weeks. If he turns up covered in yellow custard I'd gladly offer to lick it off him after the race.
Apologies for the promotional material, but Humo is really worth buying.

The Polish team looks good too: (click on the picture for a better view)

Grumpy Old Men

It's not often enough these days that I can sit in front of the gogglebox and find myself groan, giggle, cheer, jeer and laugh out loud all within half an hour, but it happened with the first instalment of the Grumpy Old Men series.
I'm definitely one too, considering I found myself in furious agreement with most of the sentiments expressed by John Peel, Rick Wakeman, Sir Bob Geldof and Will Self, among others. Too many subjects to list but honourable mentions must go to contemporary flared trouser wearers [sneer], body piercings [arghhh] and female beer bellies [barf].
And then there was The League of Gentlemen with that most memorable quote:

"When the shit's been shat..."

But how does the quote end?

Sign up or shut up!

Operation Yellow Elephant: The bingo game

Brown eye candy

American Idol: The Ass Crack Edition. Go vote for your favourite pair of buns. It may not be worksafe, but hey, it's something you can share with your girlfriend.
My favourite: #9 Oliver, no question, but I'm strangely drawn towards #2 John too.

The Netherlands, Belgium, now Spain and Canada

Gay marriage is on the march, it seems, even in formerly rabid dictatorial and Inquisitorial lands.
Belgium and The Netherlands are always considered the usual suspects in matters of tolerance, so nothing surprising there (though Belgium less so than Holland, since it's not long since even pornography and abortion have been made legal there).
Canada rightly considers itself the Scandinavia of North America, anything really not to be considered American!
Spain may seem the surprise package to go all gooey-lovey-dovey-gay, but I think you can place it within the general liberalisation trend there since the end of Franco's fascism.
When you're really far behind it's easier to make big strides - New Zealand did something similar when it legalised gay sex in the 1980s and instead of doing it piecemeal, like the UK with its ridiculous age of consent law and restrictions on where you could actually do "it", NZ went almost the whole hog with sex allowed at 16 for everybody and gay partners allowed to immigrate as spouse (me!). It also made remarkable progress with anti-discrimination legislation benefitting not only gay people but people with HIV too. Last year's debate on the rather timid Civil Unions Bill was needlessly rancorous, and it's far from certain there will be gay marriage and adoption rights any time soon. Not that dissimilar from the general situation in Scandinavia where civil unions are common but church weddings are verboten.
But all this really still begs the underlying question: why would gay people want to choose to enter a social institution most commonly associated with inequality, repression and, judging by the statistics on divorce and spousal abuse, sheer hell?
Some sections of the gay community positively welcome the marriage thing as a step forward for conservatism (Andrew Sullivan has been tirelessly plugging marriage for gays as a dyke against that damn promiscuous party lifestyle).
If it's for societal approval of their relationship status, the tax and legal advantages then I would say: a pox on your house. The real issue should be why there are legal and tax advantages attached to your relationship status and how they should be abolished. Choosing to live together, or even to breed/adopt, should not have to be financed by single people and childless couples. I would welcome any legislation that did away with discrimination on the basis of your relationship status - and no, I'm not talking about your favourite sheep, All Black fans - as single people and childless couples are increasingly targeted to pay for the chosen lifestyle of "breeders" (single or coupled). I can't understand why you get tax and social benefits just because you are lucky enough to have somebody in your life who still wants to be with you after the first date.
Some good news from the third world.