All that jocksniffing yields result

Ben Cohen's webmaster mailed me some photos for your (and my) delectation. Now go buy his calendar.

Sex in the news

The Kiwi rugby league team lost massively against their Australian counterparts so they found solace in the arms of an eager sports groupie. But then she laid a complaint of sexual assault with the police, instead of cherishing a blissful night with a team of well fit lads (judge for yourself here). The police found there was no case to answer and the sex was consensual. Lucky, but ungrateful, bitch.

That time of year

To order your new calendars.
Here's one of our all time favourite rugby players, and proof that gods walk among us: Ben Cohen's 2008 calendar. Order here (some picture previews).
He's possibly the only man who looks good in that perennial fashion crime, boxer shorts. But judge for yourself here.
He's not in the England team this year, so the final won't be worth watching. It wasn't worth watching anyway now that Frederic Michalak's team is out too.

Stop press! Gay priest found by Vatican

A rather non-story at first sight, don't you think, but what caught my eye in the BBC News story was the headline, because I had to read it twice: Vatican bars prelate in gay row. Maybe it had the potential of one of those unfortunate headlines when I thought the sub-editor had forgotten to add a comma between 'bars' and 'prelate', since that would make far more sense and be more newsworthy. I mean, it doesn't happen every day prelates are in the gay row at Vatican bars, or does it?
The rest of the story is, of course, rather ho-hum:

"A high-ranking Catholic priest has been suspended. The man, who works in the department in charge of clergy around the world, appeared on Italian TV earlier this month admitting that he was gay. [...] Monsignor Stenico appeared on an investigative programme about gay priests on an Italian commercial TV channel, La7.
He was filmed inside his private office in the Vatican.
Although his voice was disguised, colleagues and friends easily identified him as a monsignor who frequently used to appear as anchorman and even celebrate Mass on a well known local Catholic TV channel.

His voice must have sounded familiar to those of us who frequent sex clubs and who are often accosted through glory holes by muffled sounds from hungry clergymen.

Move along, no news here.

Drunk and in charge of a TV station

Alt TV, an Auckland television station where the couch potatoes make shows instead of watch them, was today convicted by the Government watchdog, the Broadcast Standards Authority, for breaching quite a few standards, the worst of which was to broadcast a scroll of SMS text messages featuring a stream of bad words. I'll spear you the details but check the decision for the unvarnished version.

"The Authority notes that its survey of public opinion disclosed that the words “cunt” and “nigger” were the two most unacceptable words in the list presented to those people surveyed. The word “cock” was also the sixth most unacceptable word to those surveyed."

The Alt TV boys were also negligent of: replying to the complainant (a definitive no no in broadcast land, you have to be polite to your viewers and it does piss off the BSA) and not having a recording of the programme (the offensive texts ran for 5 hours in the afternoon on a public holiday).
But what made me laugh was their excuse for not having proper moderation of the texts that made it to air: the guy they hired was "intoxicated". Now a gossip columnist is reporting that Alt TV is taking the guy to court to recover their $5,000 fine they copped from the BSA (on top of being taken off air for 5 hours next Monday). That's just lamely shifting the blame. Shame on Alt TV for not standing up for its drinking employees in front of and behind the cameras and at the controls. I always thought it was a necessary skill to have to work there: their shows always seem to be like a giant continous on-air party.

Major upset in the local election

The three yearly yawn fest, a.k.a., the local body elections ended yesterday, with a deja vu result for the mayoralty of Auckland. John Banks, whom I had the dubious pleasure of shaking hands with at my citizenship ceremony during his previous mayoralty, is back for another go. I never understood voters wanting a previous lot back for a second go. I mean, Harold Wilson wasn't any better the second time. No matter how transmogrified they pretend to be.
Anyway I had to vote, nose held, to keep Banksie out, and I didn't succeed. Tough.

Much more fun was the election race for our local Gulf Islands Councillor, with sitting member Faye Storer finally getting some stiff competition this time round. And guess what.
Denise Roche won!
We went round to Denise's house last night to join in the celebrations, even though at that time the margin was only 9 votes (in about 4,000 votes) which later in the evening went up to 16. It will probably lead to a recount but that didn't dampen the party spirit. It was high time we had a different representative on the Council because the outgoing one, many islanders felt, has been there too long and has been captured and sidetracked by too many other jobs within Council to do the representation and advocacy effectively.

The island community board returned the rather depressing lineup of the incumbents plus a newcomer, splendidly named Nobilangelo Ceramalus. He at least writes a blog.

Now the big battle is to begin on what the future governance structure of Auckland will look like: a supercity enamoured and geared towards business interests only, or proper democracy with decision making at the lowest level possible. We still want our County back!

UPDATE: Denise Roche declared the winner by 12 votes after the special vote count. So there will possibly a recount but more probably no change in that outcome.
The husband of the candidate who came second, a.k.a. the incumbent, wrote an extraordinary vitriolic letter to the Waiheke Gulf News (see below) accusing and mocking voters who didn't tick his wife for being gullible and naive. He wrote they would eventually regret voting the newbie in instead of supporting his now financially strafed family member.

Here's the Letter to the Editor (Waiheke Gulf News, 18 October 2007, p5):

'GULLIBLE' VOTERS
As the partner of Faye Storer, I would like to thank the sensible intelligent people who have supported her for the last 15 years, on the community board and as the Hauraki Gulf councillor.
During that time she has been involved with every major council project on the island, working up to 80 hours, seven days a week for the last nine years to ensure Waiheke got everything it deserved.
For those who voted for candidates other than Faye, all I can say is you must be very gullible people to be taken in by the glib talk and false promises made by them.
Denise Roche in particular has never attended a council or community board meeting, so hardly has the qualifications to be our representative on council. She will be like a lamb to the slaughter at a Citizens and Ratepayers dominated council table. Her inability to get Waiheke anything will show through in a very short time and the 'Looney Left' vocal minority who have fought to get rid of Faye and supported Denise will get what they deserve, which is absolutely nothing. Expect to see major cutbacks in Waiheke's cut of the cake, and the likely sale of the Matiatia land back to private owners.
My next barrage is for the editor of the Gulf News whose editorial of 11 October showed his true colours. It implied that Faye's salary of $90,000 was extravagantly high. In reality, working an average of 70 hours a week for 48 weeks of year amounts to just over $26 an hour and, after tax, not quite $17.
Do you expect someone working those sorts of hours to it for nothing? Faye is actually relieved that she no longer has to deal with those people who don't have the gumption to stand for the community board or council themselves, but snipe at those who do, and is saddened that Waiheke will now suffer because of the selfishness of a few.
The community board, with three particularly hard working members, will now bear the burden of having an ineffectual councillor. Faye will not provide any advice to anyone but them; and Denise Roche is now wholly responsible for all off island decisions and their outcomes.
John Newton, Oneroa

If I had voted for Faye Storer I would be now majorly embarrassed and pissed off with this ungracious outburst against democracy. Good riddance to unsporting losers.

O Dierbaar Belgie

You will have heard by now that Belgium is still in search of a Federal Government since the elections of June 10. The particular requirements of the constitution regards the Government formation and the huge social, cultural and economic divisions which run through the country always ensured a lengthy negotiations process. Some commentators think this is a cause for merriment abroad, but they don't have history on their side. I'm old enough to remember the protracted Government formation talks in The Netherlands in the late 1970s when Joop Den Uyl took 208 days to finally disagree to form a coalition with Van Agt's CDA.
An excellent summary of the 'predicament' Belgium finds itself in is here. It's especially good to be reminded that for most of history that little space between France and Germany has been ruled by various overlords with more or less tenuous links to the territory. From the Romans 2,000 years ago to the Dutch until 1830, those pesky Belgae always got on with the job of surviving and thriving (more or less) despite what despots threw at them. Such a long non-national history did result in a remarkably low sense of nationalism (being Belgian and singing the national anthem always gave a strange feeling, at least in me, in those rare formal occasions where we had to stand up and sing it - and this is much more rarely done than in other countries).
Personally I have always felt more European than Flemish or Belgian, and I introduce myself to people as such, usually with a rider of what city I am from, instead of a country.
Flemish nationalism has always appealed to sections of the community more enamoured with blood, soil and church, and that kind of right-wing stench (including active collaboration during the German occupation in World war II) has given it a long-lasting unappealing aura which continues to this day with the Flemish nationalists now actively being xenophobic.
The ongoing political shenanigans are of course a source of humour and if you feel so inclined you can measure how nationalist/federalist/unitarian you are with a quiz (sadly in Dutch only). I'm a "53% separatist", which actually gives a good gauge of my ambiguous take on the issue. On the one hand I'm all in favour of smaller countries, and the more the merrier, but not if it leads to backwardness and an excuse to trample all over human rights.

If you feel strongly that Belgium should remain a unified state, you can sign a petition here.

Air passengers: 1 - ferry passengers: nil

News from a public transport system that works:

"Qantas intended spending $10 million on introducing its Cityflyer brand, which now operates between the six main Australian centres, to New Zealand. That would include:
* A $3 million upgrade of domestic club lounges in Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch.
* Refurbishing aircraft cabins.
* Self-serve check-in kiosks at airports.
* An enhanced free food service and morning newspapers.
* A free bar service from 4pm on weekdays."

While I read that, sitting on a wind and rain-swept Auckland ferry Pier 2, I can't but marvel with envy at how the free airline market caters for its passengers. Imagine what ferry travel would be like if there were Qantas ferries competing with Infratil for customers. We'd be pampered with Koru club style waiting facilities instead of wino hangouts; have refurbished ferries that don't stink of diesel and freshly pumped out sewage; ferries that might actually arrive on time instead of patronizing warnings that ferries will not wait for you; and all for prices that can go down instead of always up.
(I'm only using the ferry as an analogy, the same is of course true for bus and train services)

Come on, Qantas/Pacific Blue/AirNZ, branch out into our transport mode and give a heave to bad and expensive service.

Why is the ARTA negligent in its job for it guarantees the present monopoly gouging to continue? And how do we get rid of it?

My point is that the lack of competition is the direct cause of bad and overpriced service on ferries. 1,000 commuting passengers a day is a large market - how many plane routes or bus lines carry that many people twice a day in New Zealand?
Virgin runs planes and trains in the UK, so multiple transport modes can be run by one company (Infratil runs buses, ferries and airports!) - hell, they could even offer "frequent flyer points" applicable to all their transport modes.

Booking seats on ferries in advance would be quite handy and those advance sales are attractive for traveler and company alike, as it does for planes and the Naked Bus Co. It would force Fullers to actually deliver a reliable and attractive service instead of the guaranteed monopoly they enjoy now.
Imagine if you could book your daily commute bus seat: no more standing room only and the driver knows where to pick up his booked passengers. Guaranteed filled seats and regular income - perhaps even without a public subsidy. Everybody would be better off with some lateral thinking and free market innovation.

There would be nothing wrong with cut price peak services and extra charges for extra services like a Koru Club or free drinks. It would offer passengers choice. Now the only choice we have is a stinking Jet Raider at first class fares.

Caption this

Prince/Soldier Harry gets drunk in an imaginative way and another moral panic breaks out in the UK tabloid press. We all know snorting vodka is just a gateway drug to harder stuff such as smoking pot. Getting drunk, it's what soldiers do, n'est-ce pas?

Never mind, Prince Harry is still the only royal I would consider sleeping with, drunk or not. But he should take more care in choosing his mates. From the accompanying picture he's seriously in danger of getting bitch tits, like his drinking buddy, if he keeps up those drinking games.

And the mourning continues

Forget about bloody World War battles, trench warfare, disease and death. A far greater disaster has overwhelmed the Shaky Isles on the weekend, one that shocked a happy-go-lucky, plucky nation. One that affected every single family in the land, more so than World War I. And for the period of national mourning people don't have to get out of their black clothes or remove the black flags from their cars.
We didn't lower the flag to half mast before breakfast on Sunday morning. Actually the whole thing was forgotten one minute after the final whistle and a glorious Sunday afternoon was had by all regardless.
And now the recriminations start, including an "Independent Inquiry into the Causes of the Greatest Ever Catastrophe". As if scores of people were killed on a single day on a battle field in a distant land.

90 years after Passchendaele

You may know by now that World War I is still a Big Thing in New Zealand, what with Anzac Day on 25 April fast becoming an alternative national day for many people, especially young people. But it is a bit odd that a military disaster is celebrated, or rather commemorated, as an instance that forged a national identity - whatever that means. The Battle of Gallipoli is these days far better known down under than it is in Britain, on whose behalf that extraordinary bad campaign was organised by Winston Churchill.
There are other battles in the Great War that saw more blood and glory by New Zealand troops, even though the losses there were even more appalling than in Turkey. There was the Battle of Messines, which I've written about before, and our Prime Minister is off to Flanders Fields to commemorate the 90th anniversary of that other great bloodbath, the Battle of Passchendaele.
Now the Auckland War Memorial Museum supports calls for greater recognition for Passchendaele:

"At the start of a week long programme of events commentating the Battle of Passchendaele, Auckland War Memorial Museum's new Director, Dr Vanda Vitali voiced her support for the Prime Ministers call for greater recognition of courage and commitment of the young men who fought in that terrible war.
Dr Vanda Vitali said that "For a county the size of New Zealand to lose 1300 young men in just one week is a human toll to unbearable to contemplate - but Museums are the memory keepers, and as such we must contemplate and commemorate. Our week long programme of events this year is the start of what we anticipate will be an on-going commitment by our museum to commemorate Passchendaele, giving Aucklanders an annual opportunity to remember these brave young men."

The Museum has set up Project Passchendaele to collect stories from the front.

The joy of net searching

Another of our monthly looks at what key words brought you here in the first place. And what an unsavoury lot you are!
- Jesse Metcalfe naked: he hasn't been on Desperate Housewives for ages and still a popular boy. Sorry to read he has checked into rehab for alcohol abuse last March. Come and have a Waiheke wine with us, mate.
- cocksucking contests: enough already, thanks. Get a sex life.
- Roman Serble nude: you have great taste but we'll only see him in his full glory when they bring back the real Olympics
- billy mill roundabout: hahahahaha, I had forgotten about that one. A classic Profanisaurus entry.
- is Prince Harry circumcised? No. If you have give thanks for one thing Diana, Princess of Wales, has done right in her life it's preventing the British establishment from putting the knife into her boys.
- Nana Mouskouri lesbian: if only! Then she wouldn't be such a homophobic, ungrateful bitch
- scally trackie lads get circumcised: sick fuck, get out of here.

Queer atheists, come out

I never knew that it was far more difficult to come out as an atheist than as gay in contemporary America. If you think you are the only atheist in your village, don't despair. It's good to see that gay coming out campaigns are now being copied by others battling the Islamo-Judeo-Christo-fascists and their hocus pocus ilk: instigator Richard Dawkins has set up a website outcampaign.org to encourage you to come out and wear your A with pride.

A Guardian interview with Richard Dawkins about the project Atheists Arise is here.

Hattip: No Right Turn

Free Burma

Today is International Bloggers Day for Burma.
Pictures and report from the 29 September Auckland solidarity march here.

The Pagans: band of brothers

The History Channel is showing a major series on the Pagans.
In the third installment last night there was an intriguing essay on which male pagan attitudes have survived the ages to the present day, such as comparing the ancient warrior tribesmen with modern day sports fans; the selection of a champion for their ancient pagan cause with the contemporary fielding of a sports team to uphold the honour of the modern tribe; the drinking games and rituals etc.
And then they discussed the bonding and battle preparation methods, which involved a blue paint to make them invisible to the enemy and the rubbing in of sperm on their naked bodies to make them invincible in battle. This intrigued me, of course, because it was never explained how they actually got the sperm from each warrior: did their wives do the pre-battle honours, or was the extraction of that male essence done by male members of the tribe who didn't go into battle but stayed behind to protect women and children? And is this an evolutionary reason for homosexuality? That wasn't explained, to my regret, but it certainly should have warranted investigation.
Or they could have played an ancient version of the soggy biscuit game (if you have to ask, you don't want to know - but there is a funny explanation of the game here and for the purists, there is a Wikipedia entry)

What to do on National Nude Day

Radio Prague reported, via London Underground Blog, a nude tube rider on the system.
We don't have enough sights like this, in my opinion. National Nude Day (8 October) should include free public transport rides for those game enough.
The story behind the picture is more prosaic, even hilarious:

"It emerged that the poor man had lost all his clothes in a bet and his friends had pushed him out of their car in the middle of Prague stark naked. "He was only trying to get home as fast as possible and he was dreadfully embarrassed - so we let him off the hook" a police spokeswoman said later."

It's the sort of thing the better frat houses and student unions would do to rookie members. I was just wondering how he got on the system without a ticket or where he had stowed his tube pass. And I hope the Prague underground isn't as chilly or draughty as the London one.

Watching porn with Uncle Uroskin

Over at Nightcharm (NSFW!) is an interesting discussion going on about your pet loves and pet hates of gay porn movies. Seems like a lot of people are turned off by all that pubic (and other body areas) shaving, which I don't mind so much. Here was my contribution:

I quite like the shaved pubes thing on screen and in my own sex life. But I am hugely partial to ginger pubes. The socks and shoes on fuck scenes are my pet peeve: I want to watch the guys’ feet when the sex is boring. Also foreskin play isn’t elaborate enough and dick cheese should be a source for humour.
Humour is something which is sadly lacking in all sex films! There’s really nothing more fun for me than chuckling and grinning when watching and wanking to porn but that hardly ever happens. I'd rather read one of Boyd McDonald's stories and commentaries instead.
Great topic for debate. After all, they expect us to pay for all that shit.