When I'm elected Pope

I will:
- personally visit each country on earth and hand out free condoms - hell, I'll even put it on you snugly if you have trouble doing that;
- personally oversee the recruitment, training and duty assignments of the Swiss Guards (possibly even commission new designs for their uniforms, but they look already fetching, don't you think?);
- spend a larger part of the Vatican budget on commissioning new art works, in the grand tradition of Pope Julius II, who in discovering Michelangelo and Rafael, did more to the attractiveness of Catholic Church than the creation of 200+ new saints by the Great Late One;
- abolish celibacy, bring in compulsory sexual education lessons in seminaries, and promote safer sex among the clergy (or with the partners of their choice, aged 16+, of course)