June 29, 2008

Sex in the sports news

It's not often that the subject of sex crops up in the sports pages, apart from such unfortunate instances as (real) rape cases in the past couple of years (Tyson, for one). Their relegation to the sports news made me feel sick.
But it must have been a slow day at the Herald when they let a jock sniffer like Steve Deane loose in their Sports Section on Friday and let him look at a few sexual shenanigans by sports "stars" which ended up in tabloid newspapers in recent times. Take it from the top, Steve:
"One minute you're streaking away for an intercept try against the All Blacks, the next your world has been Topsyed upside down by unflattering public revelations and potentially criminal accusations.
Whether enjoying a quiet post-match spit-roast with mates, or choosing between an overweight, balding 55-year-old man and a stunning young brunette with an unquenchable thirst for fame and questionable morals for your personal assistant, the world of the high-profile sports star is full of pitfalls."
Our Steve has obviously no idea what a spit-roast is, otherwise he wouldn't have used it in such an unfortunate turn of phrase. If you don't know what a spit-roast is, let either the Sunderland footballers or the Flight of the Conchords boys explain it to you.
But wait, there's more unintentionally (we think) but wickedly funny reporting by our Steve:
"Ashley Cole (pictured left), the Chelsea and England defender, was portrayed as the ultimate love rat for cheating on popstar wife Cheryl. Having already taken a battering after leaving Arsenal to get a slice of rival Chelsea's Russian lucre, Cole's reputation hit rock bottom when 22-year-old blond Aimee Walton also decided to chase the cash herself, selling the story of her one-night stand with the footballer to a tabloid.
Walton revealed that Cole slapped her bottom so hard his platinum wedding ring left a mark. He later paused midway through intercourse to vomit. Every inch a consummate Premier League pro, he resumed shagging."
Everybody knows heterosexuality makes a lot of men heave, so it's unsurprising our Steve skips lightly over that poignant, significant and outrageous detail. It confirms again that it's a nasty business, even though his bravery of actually going back in after made me spill my coffee. No wonder those footballers are hero-worshiped by millions of hooligans. But our Steve was more concerned about her post-coital commentary than the lack of control of his gag reflex:
"She also offered this somewhat painful overall assessment of his performance: "He knew exactly what he was doing and was pretty good, despite not being very big."
Perhaps that's where the real schadenfreude for jocksniffer reporters comes in: thank heaven for slags who dish the dirt on the sexual quality of our heroes.

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