I'm sure you've done it all before too: you find yourself of an evening in a warm and snug male bathhouse complex, escaping the winter outside, searching for some heat to while away the evening. And then you find yourself plonked in front of a TV set with non-stop fleshy tones and moans.
Welcome to our guide to porn watching. When the movie on offer fails to move any of your body parts it's always a good strategy to battle boredom in the face of all that relentless shaved Czech twink/fat hairy leather daddies/Brazilian muscle marys (or whatever is your favourite turn-off) to keep you awake and alert for any cruising punters. So how to keep your mind occupied but not too distracted from the business at hand? Here are some ideas:
1. Create your own storylines and dialogue: If you've seen "Hercules Returns" you'll know what I mean. Offscreen addition of dialogue and sound effects to basically create a whole new movie. I've seen the guys who made that movie do it live in a cinema recreating "The Corpse Grinders" and it had me wetting myself. Any Kristen Bjorn porn video, usually featuring buff Brazilians mumbling sweet nothings in Portuguese all through their routine, basically screams out for a makeover like that. If there is not much dialogue in the source material, add your own!
2. Concentrate on one peculiar non-sexual organ body part of all the actors and decide which one was the sexiest, most looking like your own, or is grossing you out the most. Such as the state of their fingernails (if you have a fetish for fingernails, don't worry, choose something else, the shape of their kneecaps, the number of hairs in their armpits, whatever): dirty, long, filed, painted (!), bitten, and give scores. Compare findings with your mates. Hours of good natured banter about obscure subjects! Sounds a bit like those fun theological arguments of days gone by about how many angels can sit on your prick.
3. Test the following hypothesis: the colour of an actor's nipple is the same as the colour of his arsehole. (Saint) Boyd McDonald has postulated this and I have been studying this for many years and I believe it's convincingly true. It's a game you can play whenever you watch a porn movie since a lot of footage is concentrated on those areas. It's of course easier to determine if the models are shaved but that makes the hirsute movies little more interesting and challenging, and concentrates your research skills.
4. Assign job descriptions to the actors when they're done performing: what do you think they do for a living? Argue your case using any clues you saw in the film: would any firemen/motor mechanics/soldiers/etc roles fit them in real life? Or were they just good/bad actors? What job would you hire them for? Perhaps due to the de-industrialisation (all those blue collar jobs gone to China) and the further erosion of services industries (all those call centre and geek jobs gone to India), one has to wonder what the future job prospects of surplus males are in the western world apart from sports and porno (some think there is even a tendency to merge those industry sectors into sporno). Hard-up young men with limited career prospects have, of course, always existed and in times past have either been used as crusaders, cannon fodder and Athletic Model Guild material, and those traditions are not going to die out soon. But I think the numbers are increasing, considering the popularity of straight-for-pay and gay-for-pay sites and movies these days. I bet the modelling prices have gone down too with all that competition from Eastern Europe and Brazil. Will Western European and American boys only be able to keep their wages up by having to expose themselves to dangerous (but apparently attractive for the punters) activities on film such as barebacking?
Let me know your own favourite activity while watching porn.
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