Sex in the news

Another fantastic news story involving those favourite leisure pastimes of men: sport and sex.

"Four England rugby players are facing claims that they took part in a sexual assault during a raucous party at their hotel in New Zealand."

The Times headlined its story as a "rowdy party". In New Zealand that kind of thing is called a "Ropati". But in all it's obviously not as "bad" as it sounds:

"Although police sources have indicated that the claims may include an allegation of rape, no formal complaint has been received. Unless one is made they cannot formally pursue the allegations, nor identify the players."

So what is the fuss all about?

"Players are reported to have gathered in the Pony Club, a nightclub near the Hilton Hotel, where the squad was staying. The club, formerly a male striptease venue, is a well-known haunt of local celebrities and sportsmen."

I'm not sure whether the Times meant the venue used to be a place where guys stripped or a strip club frequented by men. Either way would do the modern sportsman anyway.

"A 22-year-old New Zealander, named only as "Angel" (in another report, helpfully listed under "Rugby News", she is called "Angel Barbie"), further claimed that she and five other women had met six England players at the club. Each had accompanied a player back to the Hilton in the early hours of Sunday morning."

Lucky bitches.

"She said that she had spent the evening with one of the players, though she refused to give his name."

I never tend to ask names of my trade either. It just avoids awkwardness the morning after. Who remembers names anyway? And it's usually the least interesting aspect of them.

"She said that the following morning he had left to attend a compulsory hydrotherapy session at 9am, part of the squad’s recovery programme, and returned to bed 45 minutes later."

Freshly scrubbed and douched and ready for another round! You gotta love the Hilton's attention to detail for its guests.

"Shortly after that, four players had burst into the bedroom and tried to rip the sheets off the bed, before running out laughing, she said."

In the other report

"Angel Barbie said she believed the players went to other rooms where women had slept with players and also pulled the duvets off their semi-naked bodies. They were doing the rounds."

No word, sadly, about the condition the men were in - apart from being scrubbed and douched. News reporting isn't up to scratch these days. We need to be told all the details.
So tell me again where the scandal is?

The joy of heterosexuality

You may remember last year's rather tasteless news item involving heterosexuality between a twink and a 92-year-old corpse. New Zealand can't be left behind in those stakes so now we hear of a guy in his sixties, paroled after a long period inside for sexual offending against girls, re-arrested after indecently assaulting a 95-year-old woman in her rest home.
One may be relieved to hear she was at least alive, so our pensioner sex fiend didn't have to stoop so low as to desecrate a corpse. But you got to ask again: have those erectile aid drugs not got a lot to answer for? Why aren't they outlawed?
I can perfectly believe that guys can get it up for anything, no matter how outlandish or outrageous their object of desire. But really, dudes! Get a grip.

Time to criminalise heterosexuality? (I repeat)

Now that a jury has found one of the family members not guilty of the murder of the Kahui twins, and the police have closed the file on the case, I can't do anything but repeat what I blogged almost two years ago.
There's really nothing to add but to hope that Zeus will strike them down one day. And that the social services will remove all children from being anywhere near that family. The only support all those adults should get is free sterilisation.

Kiwis turn down spit roast

From the Sydney Morning Herald (via DubDotDash):

"Scruffy New Zealander Jemaine Clement from the folk-parody group Flight Of The Conchords was approached by a girl at a party in Scotland, who invited him to a spit roast. She wanted to know if Bret McKenzie, his band mate, would also attend.
Thinking she was referring to a barbecue, Jemaine said yes. Hey, they both liked meat. "She said, 'I wouldn't usually ask. I'm a lesbian,' and I thought, 'Why would that stop you asking for a barbecue?"' Soon after, Clement discovered a spit-roast was British slang for a threesome and declined, mightily embarrassed."

What is wrong with Kiwis turning down offers of straight sex? I know spit roasting lesbians is a favourite fantasy of anti-Helen Clark voters, so why isn't it good enough for real red-blooded males? Maybe the Conchord boys have been playing too much folk and should do some rock & roll instead?

The joy of heterosexuality

Not a good week for straight sex, glancing at a few news headlines:

"An Austrian man allegedly imprisoned his daughter and abused her sexually for 24 years."

"Police arrested two boys, aged 14 and 15, after a 56-year-old woman was sexually assaulted and left traumatised as she left the Coopers Beach Bowling Club (Northland) last Friday night."

"Texas authorities have continued raids on a ranch belonging to a breakaway Mormon sect, removing a total of almost 200 women and children since Thursday. Police officers first raided the ranch after reports that a 16-year-old girl was physically and sexually abused. Detectives are looking for evidence of a marriage between the girl and a 50-year-old man. She is thought to have had a child when she was 15."

But the only fun story involving heterosexuality is also the only one labeled "scandalous":

"Brazilian football star Ronaldo has been caught up in a sex scandal with three cross-dressing prostitutes."

So the only reason why it was scandalous is that the ho's were mo's.

UPDATE: Queerclick has a very humourous take on the Ronaldo/Andre(a) "sex scandal". NSFW!

The joy of heterosexuality

Need any more proof or convincing that heterosexuality needs to be outlawed? Have a look at the following story from the North Jersey Media Group:
"23-year-old Anthony Merino was arrested on Sunday after a security guard found him having sex with the corpse of a 92-year-old woman in the morgue of Holy Name Hospital in Teaneck, NJ. Anthony was a part-time lab tech there.
He was charged with desecrating human remains in the second degree and his bail was set at $400,000. If convicted the charge carries a maximum sentence of 10-years in prison and a $100,000 fine."

The guy, inevitably, has a MySpace site, the news report said. He looks quite hot in his pictures, in a New Jersey kind of way, I suppose, and I'd gladly play dead he wants to have his wicked way with me too. Although I can't guarantee they could prise him from my cold dead hands.

But really, fucking a 92 year old female corpse, where did he get this idea from?

Time to criminalise heterosexuality?

You may have heard about the recent dreadful episode in New Zealand child abuse, the murder of newborn twins Cru and Chris Kahui at their family home, populated by a full assortment of family members close and distant. Only one of them had a paid job, the rest lived communally on welfare. Perhaps you have seen that classic New Zealand film "Once Were Warriors", so take that scenario and apply it as reality in this case. And then you still have to deal with sickening reports in your morning paper:

Detective Senior Sergeant John Tims gave details from a pathologist's report that indicated the twins' heads had been bashed with (or against) a blunt object. Their ribs were fractured and one had a broken thigh.

The Sensible Sentencing Trust (the local hang'em-and-flog'em-and-hang'em-again club) wants abusive parents to be spayed.
I'm just completely flummoxed by the behaviour of this family, which has been keeping a Cosa Nostra pact of muteness, stonewalling the police investigation under the excuse of the right to silence.
Don't these heterosexuals love their children? Is the twins' mother so browbeaten into submission she cannot/will not say who killed her babies? Where was the lioness in her that would fight for her kids? Has this family no pride so it can effectively cover up murder most foul by any of its members? Has the perpetrator no honour? Or was the babies' crying just too much for his hangover or P-induced paranoia? It just completely floors me.
And then you have the spectacle of local Christian fundamentalists standing tall and proud for the right of parents to beat their children in a campaign against Green MP Sue Bradford's Private Member's Bill to abolish section 59 of the Crimes Act. "Family Integrity" released a pamphlet [PDF file] (link via No Right Turn) on how to beat your kids for 10-15 minutes to drive out 'sinful manifestations'.
One shudders to think what sinfulness Chris and Cru Kahui manifested at age 29 weeks meriting them a fatal blow to the head with a blunt instrument. It would have taken the murderer less than 10 minutes.

Is raping and killing genetic or learned behaviour

"A man has admitted abducting and raping several women in Auckland over a period of two months.
Frankie Edwards has admitted abducting six women, and raping three of them between April and June this year.
In delivering the case for sentencing, Judge Philip Recordan said he was disturbed to read of Edwards' use of methamphetamine while committing his crimes.
Detective Sergeant Megan Goldie says Edwards' early guilty plea will save the victims from having to re-live their ordeal by being put through a trial."

Via Radio New Zealand

Frankie (pictured right) is the brother of Phillip (picured left), the ageing rentboy who manslaughtered an ageing queen two years ago.
Death seems to run in that family. Is it in the genes? But thank godess brother Frankie is a red-blooded heterosexual (just like brother Phillip, who pleaded "homosexual panic" for his fatal lashing out), even though he needed speed to get it up and on with his unwilling girlfriends. Together both brothers have 120 convictions between them. And there are another 11 brothers and 3 sisters in their family. Which would constitute an argument for reducing their gene pool, no?
May they both rot in their cells with their backs glued to the wall and their fingers up their arses.

As an addendum, Tim Barnett MP is looking at how to scrap the "homosexual panic" defence in murder cases.

UPDATE: The Herald now reports that the family of the manslaughterer Phillip denies that rapist Frankie is his brother or even whanau at all. Imagine how that would look on some twisted reality TV or talk show. A ratings bonanza.

Fat heteros

Marriage and co-habiting cause obesity, if you are a woman, but makes you healthier if you are a man.

Men found themselves eating lighter, healthier meals and more fruit and vegetables, while women moved towards the creamier, heavier dishes like curries and rich pasta meals favoured by their partners.

Men, of course, need more calories than women, so eating the same thing together is causing more weight gain in women. But marriage also discourages exercise by making less time available for it.
Stereotypically, gay guys go to the gym together and lesbians organise healthy vegan gluten-free pot luck dinners for social occasions, which leads us to conclude that old-fashioned monogamy is bad for your health. Not that there aren't any obese gay men or lesbians, I wouldn't want to take the stereotypes too far!

Gay for pay?

A new craze is sweeping the gay internets: the insatiable demand for watching "straight guys" take it up the ass and getting paid for it. Getting paid for it by gay guys looking at it on their 'puters at home, or something. It has to be financed somehow. Fools and their cash need parting presto.
What I can't get my tiny brain around is the obvious fact that anyone shelling out good loot to see some hapless twink allegedly watching his alleged girlfriend on video, while being penetrated himself, is being portrayed and marketed by the pornographers as "straight".
Have you ever believed or taken anything a pornographer has filmed or written for real?
These guys deal in fantasies and I see no good reason to believe all they peddle is anything else but another fantasy. And please spare me those corny biographies accompanying the photo shoot. It makes for passable fiction but little else.
HomoMojo has a good take on it but Shimmy is confused by the whole issue.

Bisexual, bi-curious or bifurcated bollocks?

Mark Simpson wrote a lengthy commentary on American "research" that found males are 27 times less likely than women to be attracted to the same sex. He rightly skewered the report as an outcome of social attitudes rather than actual sexual behaviour, and then goes on to "salvage" male bisexuality from the current trends to make it (males who are attracted to both sexes) disappear into a puff of what is tendentiously called "bi-curiousness" (straight males trying to find out what all the fuss is about they heard of).
As any male knows, only your mates assign you a sexual orientation, based on their perception, your alleged behaviour and, occasionally, your protestations. Women, in contrast, will always be women but men are only socially labelled "real men" after a passing muster with other men. Professing an interest in other males or any kind of "deviant" (i.e. all non-hetero) sexuality will guarantee you the label queer, no matter how many women you sleep with or insist your "deviancy" is out of curiosity rather than taste, or, worse, orientation.
This is a longstanding given in male social history. The ancient Greeks were not "bisexual" but actively interested in fucking epheboi, adolescents in the first bloom of adulthood. They would have scoffed at the notions of our modern gay sexual orientation definitions. Even the label bisexual would have been laughed at as dishonourable for men - if it meant taking the passive female position in sexual intercourse.
This is why in the current fashionable vogue of "bi-curiousness" or bisexual claims by many a straight man isn't really all what it seems. When I meet those guys in a sex club, they are there - dusty boots and check shirts included, straight from the building site - not to get some sweet loving from a male because the girlfriend is unavailable, nor to try out being anally penetrated - you'll get a slap if you suggested it to them - but to get a good blowjob, because they have heard we give them better than their girlfriends.
So I think labelling males who seek out other males to perform sexual services on them they normally expect and get from their girlfriends as bisexual a tad misleading. And they wouldn't describe themselves as such either: recall the many interviews with male hustlers who only take an active role - they never regard themselves as gay.
Top and bottom roles, as this is familiarly known in the gayworld, matter more to the sexual self-definition of the exploring straight male, than labels such as gay, bisexual or queer.
Mark relates an episode from his own sex life - something he does not do enough of, it's all theoretical bones without some hot muscle!:

A separated ‘bi-curious’ fireman in rural England I met a few times before he went back to his wife recently contacted me to tell me something rather alarming. ‘She found out about you,’ he said. ‘She hacked into my Hotmail account.’ ‘Oh, shit,’ I said. ‘What did she do? Did she throw you out?’
‘No,’ he said. ‘She got turned on! She wants to watch.’ The poor guy had to tell her that that this really was a kinky bridge too far for him. That he was too much a traditionalist to go down that path...

But Mark leaves out the most crucial bit of information that would support my argument (or not): did he top or bottom before he went back to his wife? We should be informed! Real bisexuals take it up the arse like a man before they go back to their girlfriend. All the rest is "bi-curious" cant.

Green MP to run naked through ACT MP's electorate

Green MP Keith Locke had said in the election campaign he would run naked through a stretch of Epsom if Rodney Hide won the electorate.
On some Tory blog's comment section this is a cue for speculating about personal hygiene of and body hair on greenies. Conservative voters, especially in urban areas (but we know now they really all live in the provinces) claim they wax and mousse and brazilianise within an inch of their life - I can well believe Bob Clarkson's testicles are smooth after all that attention. They may have a point: it's the reason why "straight" men in Auckland look like faggots while card-carrying members of the cocksucking order all look like real men these days - unshaved, uncouth and uncut.
I must be such a bad homosexual for never having had a wax or a Brazilian. Oh wait, there was that one time with Jorge in a dark corner of Lateshift one sultry summer night in 1998.

UPDATE: the promise was kept last weekend (see picture)

Sport builds character

Our local Sunday newspaper (not online) last weekend ran a belated story on teenage Manchester United soccer sensation Wayne Rooney and his treatment in the British tabloid press what with his serial visits to the local backstreet brothel, wonderfully titled by the subeditor in one publication as "Roo in a Vice Den".
Only in Britain (and an assortment of other Anglo-saxon countries) is sex a scandal and the faux outrage puzzles me every time.
I would have thought that the British media would actually be celebrating the fact that their latest soccer star is an uncomplicated heterosexual with a healthy sexual appetite, unlike the previous specimen who spawned a whole subcultural industry ranging from university courses to tattoo designs.
18 year old chav shagging 45 year old ho, the thought may make you go puke but hey, that's heterosexuality for you, I never claimed it was a pretty sight.

Man drought

From The Bay of Plenty [of Women] Times:

Women in their 30s are suffering from a phenomenon sweeping the nation - a lack of 30-something men.
The 2005 Population Growth report by financial services firm KPMG found that in 2004, women aged in their 30s outnumbered men in the same age bracket by 23,800. The drought is thought to be the result of more men going overseas.
The drought was worst for the 32,000 New Zealand women aged 32 in 2004. There were only 29,000 men in this age group - a shortfall of 3000 men.

Maybe only losers (have to) stay in New Zealand because it makes economic sense to spend your best earning years abroad. Or the ones that do stay are gay and of no interest to the local gals. I haven't heard of a shortage of queer men!
Well, all you hot-blooded foreign males, there are a few ladies here pining for your attention. And if you don't like them, my mates and I can always help you out.

Homosexual panic defence

Is this a rerun of the McNee case? Rentboys thinking they can get away with killing queens because they feared they were going to be raped/have fingers inserted up their straight holes? Nicking their victims' cars seems to be a theme too.
In my book, using the "gay panic defence" should carry a stigma of being considered less than heterosexual (no straight man fears an old queen, surely!), and should add a few years to their sentences.
UPDATE: the little shit was found guilty of murder, as it should be. Hopefully he'll be sentenced to allow access to all areas in prison.

The condition(ing) of the male of the species

I hadn't bothered before but I eventually watched an "episode" of a reality TV show called Big Brother (Australian version), and it was the "uncut" version screened late at night, mainly to show "naughty" bits and appendages and hear some more "natural" conversations.
The show ponies, as ever, are the males prancing around in various states of undress, losing their towels, showing off their assets and finally whacking off because lasting 40 days without it really was impossible.
It all looks suspiciously contrived and I think the boys have had to audition nude as to allow the show producers to ensure no tiny meat was among the male inmates. Some even shaved their pubes, showing a caring touch for viewer delectation.
Apart from all that meat on parade, the "conversations" - especially the single sex ones - were interesting. On the topic of favourite sexual "possies" (the Australian language has its comprehension difficulties, so they abbreviate everything longer than two syllables, it means "positions"), the biggest blond one described his (I'll use some phonetic spelling when it conveys the meaning of the words better):

"I go for the good old 69, you know when you get your [deeck] sucked real good while her [vadzj] rubs on your face."

The others giggled.
The tasks the show producers require them to perform are too inane. I would recommend showing them "The Anatomy of Hell" film (see below), then require them to put lipstick on the asslips (of any gender) and drink the girls' tampon tea. That would be a better practical test of their heterosexuality than the mouthing-off version.
Pity some "issues" were left unexplored when the pube-less wonder drunkenly wanted to play with blond stud's [deeck] and was rebuffed with more hostility than was really necessary.
Obviously, some realities never get onto reality TV.

Something for the weekend, Sir?

This caused me to almost wet myself when reading it.

"When hugging or kissing your faith partner, you may have noticed a little something getting hard inside his pants. It's called the penis and it means he wants to marry you! It's perfectly safe so long as he keeps it inside his pants. You can grab it, stroke it, squeeze it, or rub yourself against it like a fevered dog. Trust us, he won't mind a bit! Simply continue to rub, squeeze and fondle your faith partner through his jeans until he promises to marry you. It's that easy!"

Sex Ed at my school wasn't half as much fun! And, I swear to God, I shuddered to read what faith-fucking is. But Anal Abstinence and Cluster-Trusting are a hoot!
(via Patriotboy)

Sex in the news

news item:

"Drunken ramblings through a women's barracks and an indecent assault have led to six months' detention and dismissal from the Army for a young soldier.
Private Shannon Haimona Goldsmith, 20, faced a court-martial at Linton Camp on Monday over a series of incidents at Waiouru on June 11, 2004."

Will this be used to argue an increase in the drinking age back to 21?

"Goldsmith pleaded guilty to one charge of indecent assault, three of failure to comply with written orders (that male personnel stay out of the women's barracks) and one of drunkenness."

Don't they teach these soldiers how to get a date when they are not drunk?

"Captain Harding read an agreed statement of fact in which Goldsmith admitted climbing into bed with three sleeping women, one of whom he touched indecently."

No mention whether he managed to fumble his wiener out of his regulation boxers, or what "touching indecently" means. In my experience with drunk males, they just want to slobber all over you and tell you how much they love you before falling down and start snoring.

"The woman, then aged 18, woke and told him to get out. He stumbled from the room, calling her a "slut" and a "skank" before collapsing in the corridor and going to sleep."

Par for the course, what did I tell ya? Interesting projection of epithets he labeled the women with, I hear it's normal to call them "lesbians" if they don't want to put out.

"The woman used her cellphone to take his photograph to use as evidence."

Hmmm, bet that would beat the monkey business on the Vodafone ads.

"Goldsmith woke the next day in his own bed, claiming to have little memory of what had happened."

When that happens to me I always check whether I'm still wearing pants. I think the prosecutor failed in his duty to establish this detail. Further background to the case:

"Captain Harding said that, on "payday Thursday", Goldsmith went drinking with friends after dinner and returned to his barracks drunk. In the early hours, he entered the women's barracks, where four soldiers shared each room, and committed the offences."

Those antics didn't prevent some South Island pundits without girlfriends to indulge in some female barracks fantasies of their own.

"The woman he admitted indecently touching made a victim impact statement in which she said that since the assault her self-confidence had been shattered and was she seriously considering resigning from the service.
In arguing for a prison sentence, Captain Harding said Goldsmith's actions should not be dismissed as the drunken antics of a young man.
"It is far more serious than that," he said. "His drunken state was no excuse. It might explain his actions, but it does not condone them."
Duncan Harvey, representing Goldsmith, said the actions had been completely out of character for his client.
"Whilst alcohol was not a mitigating factor, it does explain what happened," he said."

My sentence would be: publish the cellphone picture on the internet, and a course in speed dating in a booze free venue.

Public annoucement

Tomorrow, Saturday, the city centre will be taken over by red-blooded, heterosexual, properly married-with-children, black t-shirt wearing, income tithing people who call themselves Christians.
Since beige is best reserved for cricket lovers and black for rugby fans, we recommend you join the Celebrate Diversity activities downtown and in the University Quad.
End of public announcement.

at straightacting.com.
Recommended for a good laugh!